Monday, April 13, 2015
Scavenger Hunt!
Three days ago we drove up to Anthony's parents house for a family scavenger hunt! We were all so excited because we are all very competitive. We all were instructed to be there by 5 o'clock to see who our partner was and get our first clue to our next location where there would be a prize.
Once we all arrived we stood around a table where we were given rules and instructions. As soon as Conrad (Anthony's dad) said go we all hurried to rip open the envelope that held the name of our partner. I was on Brandon's team (Anothony's brother). Brandon and I read the first clue that lead us to the mailbox and ran to his car. Everyone else ran with their partner and scattered to run or jump into their car. We were all given different hints that were supposed to lead us all to different places. As I read the first clue we could see Anthony and mom behind us so we were trying so hard to beat them. Our first clue led us to Jac's work which is The Wood Connection. This was the place where I received a bag of Hershey hugs (my favorite) and we also were given a disposable camera which Brandon was to use to capture a pic of each stop. On my clue it said that I could not open the bag of chocolate and it could not be melted which was tough!! And I had to hold it the entire time. We were also handed our second clue that led us to Brandon's house. This was where we were to decide who had to be blind folded to the next clue. As we read the hint for the next stop we decided it had to lead back to Karen and Conrad's house. I had the blind fold on the entire time. Brandon had to help me walk to the next clue that was located in the garage. Once we walked into the garage... no literally walked into the garage.. Brandon let go of my hand right as I walked into the garage door because he had failed to tell me it was only open half way and I had to duck. Lol, hopefully that was not caught on film.
We finally were to the hint in the garage that said to follow a stone path to find our answer. We followed the stone path in the back yard that led to a dome with balloons tied to it. I ran to the dome where I saw a small table in the middle that held a ring, scissors and a note.. I stopped as soon as I saw the ring and couldn't believe it. My heart was full of joy. I have wanted to marry Anthony for so long. I knew that he was the one the moment I saw him. I literally have never been so in love with anyone in my life. Could it be that my dream was about to come true? I read the note that said....
"I know night shifts aren't always easy and you spend endless nights lying awake alone in bed.
I know that having me gone for long periods of time will be difficult.
The fears that come along with military life can be terrifying.
But what I do know most is that I love you.
I want to come home from those long missions to you and our beautiful family.
I want to comfort you when times are rough.
I want to be your personal soldier standing by your side forever.
Cut the balloons and let them fly, and turn around and marry this guy"
I cut the balloons and as I turned around the man of my dreams was on one knee with roses with his amazing family standing on the deck cheering. All I could think to do what hug him so tight. He put the ring on my finger and now he has made me the happiest woman in the world.
It turns out there was no scavenger hunt. I was the only one riding around town looking like a dork blindfolded. They all did such an amazing job going along with all of this and coming up with all of these creative ideas. And Jac was able to capture every moment from beside the deck where she was hiding ;)
For a long time I thought that this might not be in my book. After what I have gone through I was somewhat doubtful that I would have a fairytale ending. And when I look down at my ring and realize how much Anthony loves me I cry. I have never had anyone love me like this. Him and the kids are my everything and I know in my heart that there is no better man in the world for me than him. I feel so blessed.
How's that for an update readers? Thanks again for reading. :)
Once we all arrived we stood around a table where we were given rules and instructions. As soon as Conrad (Anthony's dad) said go we all hurried to rip open the envelope that held the name of our partner. I was on Brandon's team (Anothony's brother). Brandon and I read the first clue that lead us to the mailbox and ran to his car. Everyone else ran with their partner and scattered to run or jump into their car. We were all given different hints that were supposed to lead us all to different places. As I read the first clue we could see Anthony and mom behind us so we were trying so hard to beat them. Our first clue led us to Jac's work which is The Wood Connection. This was the place where I received a bag of Hershey hugs (my favorite) and we also were given a disposable camera which Brandon was to use to capture a pic of each stop. On my clue it said that I could not open the bag of chocolate and it could not be melted which was tough!! And I had to hold it the entire time. We were also handed our second clue that led us to Brandon's house. This was where we were to decide who had to be blind folded to the next clue. As we read the hint for the next stop we decided it had to lead back to Karen and Conrad's house. I had the blind fold on the entire time. Brandon had to help me walk to the next clue that was located in the garage. Once we walked into the garage... no literally walked into the garage.. Brandon let go of my hand right as I walked into the garage door because he had failed to tell me it was only open half way and I had to duck. Lol, hopefully that was not caught on film.
We finally were to the hint in the garage that said to follow a stone path to find our answer. We followed the stone path in the back yard that led to a dome with balloons tied to it. I ran to the dome where I saw a small table in the middle that held a ring, scissors and a note.. I stopped as soon as I saw the ring and couldn't believe it. My heart was full of joy. I have wanted to marry Anthony for so long. I knew that he was the one the moment I saw him. I literally have never been so in love with anyone in my life. Could it be that my dream was about to come true? I read the note that said....
"I know night shifts aren't always easy and you spend endless nights lying awake alone in bed.
I know that having me gone for long periods of time will be difficult.
The fears that come along with military life can be terrifying.
But what I do know most is that I love you.
I want to come home from those long missions to you and our beautiful family.
I want to comfort you when times are rough.
I want to be your personal soldier standing by your side forever.
Cut the balloons and let them fly, and turn around and marry this guy"
I cut the balloons and as I turned around the man of my dreams was on one knee with roses with his amazing family standing on the deck cheering. All I could think to do what hug him so tight. He put the ring on my finger and now he has made me the happiest woman in the world.
It turns out there was no scavenger hunt. I was the only one riding around town looking like a dork blindfolded. They all did such an amazing job going along with all of this and coming up with all of these creative ideas. And Jac was able to capture every moment from beside the deck where she was hiding ;)
For a long time I thought that this might not be in my book. After what I have gone through I was somewhat doubtful that I would have a fairytale ending. And when I look down at my ring and realize how much Anthony loves me I cry. I have never had anyone love me like this. Him and the kids are my everything and I know in my heart that there is no better man in the world for me than him. I feel so blessed.
How's that for an update readers? Thanks again for reading. :)
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Catching Up
Hello everyone! I hope all of you had a great Easter. We sure did :) Courtney has been doing amazing in the care center. She is putting on weight and every time I call to check on her she is happy and adjusting fine. We are still going to see her 3 times a week so that we can still do what we need to do here at home and with Jordan but still make sure Courtney gets her love and attention too! We did speak with the doctors and she will be there for a long time. Sometimes it's hard when I walk into her room in the morning not seeing her there smiling at me... but I know that she is getting healthier and happier where she is and that is what is most important. We do get to check her out for a few hours here and there which is so much fun and she really enjoys that. We checked her out on Easter and she was so happy that she got to spend the day with all of us. When we walked in she screamed out of excitement and got to go through her Easter basket that Anthony and I had gotten her as well as a gift from her grandma and grandpa Caldwell.
We are starting to get the countdown going for Disney World!! None of us have been including Anthony and I so this will be fun for everyone. I am just happy that the insurance agreed to let us keep Courtney out for that many days so that she can enjoy every kids dream before her health gets to the point where it's not safe to travel. She has never flown before and does have a seizure disorder so I am hoping and praying that everything goes smoothly. I am excited to update you all on the blog when we get back so that you can all see how much fun the girls had.
As far as my updates go... I went to my second doctors visit and we are 10 weeks. We got to hear the babies heartbeat and it was so awesome. We are both so excited!! I am growing at a fast pace which is different because with the girls I didn't show until I was much further along. Hopefully that means it's a boy!! Fingers crossed.
Our business is going great and every time we turn around we have a new client. Things are going great and we are headed down the path that we had hoped for! I couldn't be happier with how our lives are and how close we all have become.
Jordan's 5th grade class picture!
So beautiful!
10 weeks
Spoiled little Angel
The love of my life!
As you read through my blog depending on the way you look at things, some may think that there are so many things that have gone wrong. But as I grow and look at my life I feel so blessed. There have been so many times I had wished in the past that I had the power to change things like make Courtney a "normal" functioning child, take back every bad relationship, take back every wrong turn.... but now I look and realize that if it hadn't been for all of those left turns I may have not ended up where I am today. And where I am today is the happiest place on earth. I have 2 adorable, funny, smart and loving daughters, I have an angel straight from heaven who has chosen me to be her mother and teach me how to love unconditionally and how to cherish the important people and moments in this life. And of course, I finally found that one that knows what I'm feeling without me saying a word, who holds me when I cry, who loves me for who I am and loves my girls just like they're his own. I used to write about being destined to be alone and be a single parent for the rest of my life. And as I write this I begin to cry happy tears (probably the pregnancy hormones) knowing that God knew what was in my heart. He knew that once he had set my soul mate on my path that I would love him with all of my heart and do everything I could to make him happy. And now we are building a family and life together. And it's a wonderful life after all.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Separation Anxiety ... Take 2
Courtney has been in the hospital now for 6 days and I can't tell if it's harder on her or me! I haven't been visiting every single day because I want her to get into a routine and schedule that is consistent. We are going to be visiting 3 times per week.... granted there are some days I want to be there all day every day. But I know if I do that then every time I come and then leave again it makes her sad. I call to check on her everyday and they say that she is happy and laughing. Then when we visit every time we go to leave she cries and it takes them a few minutes to calm her down. I think when we go to leave she doesn't quite understand why she isn't going with us. So I am struggling trying to find a happy medium.
She is getting therapy for 2 hours every single day which is awesome! I really love the center she is in because the staff are really on top of what she needs and always gives me a detailed report of concerns or updates. Most of the kids that are there were also there last year when Courtney was admitted before her surgery in May. Most of the the kids are like Courtney in a lot of ways so they are there long term. Seeing that the kids who are Courtney's age are there indefinitely has made me open my eyes to the fact that my baby may not be home often now that she is older and needs more medical care than she can get at home. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It is a daily struggle to remind myself that since she is there she will be healthier which in turn will make her happier. I fight myself every day to not think that I should just bring her home because in my heart no one can take care of my baby better than I can. But in my head I know that is no longer the case. It is to the point where no one person can do it anymore. And definitely not in the home setting.
So that is the update on Courtney and of course I will keep the updates coming!
Back at home we have a lot going on. I just met my 8 week mark with the pregnancy and am showing super quick! We are beyond excited. I am of course still nervous since we are not out of the first trimester yet. I miscarried before and have had a hard time in the past couple of years carrying. The doctors said that my hormone levels were too low the last 2 times. I am staying positive and hoping for the best. Anthony and I have agreed that if anything happens we will keep trying but I will definitely have to be on hormone meds this next time around. So cross your fingers for us!
Anthony just started a new shift rotation and is working graveyards! YUK! We both hate the new shift but are trying to make the best of it. It is very different to not sleep next to him every night. When he is coming home to go to bed I am waking up to start my day. I just realized that by the time the next shift rotation comes he will be deployed so the only times I will get to sleep next to him for the next year is on his nights off :( Hopefully within the next couple of weeks we will get used to it and it won't be so hard to sleep without him.
Jordan is seeming to do be doing ok through all of these changes. But she is the type of kid who won't express how she is feeling and then once it all piles up she has a major freak out. I just keep asking her how she feels and how she is doing to remind her that I am here to listen and regardless of everything changing in our home she is still a priority to us.
Thank you for reading. Until next time!
Thursday, March 19, 2015
And So It Begins ...... Again
Just a little update on our journey! Courtney is being admitted to the hospital today at 5 o'clock. I sent her to school today so she will have a busy day going from school to the hospital and unpacking.
The only thing that will be different this time as far as her surroundings is that she will have a roommate! Last time she had the room all to herself. At first I was bummed that she had to share but then as I thought about it more this means she will have someone in there with her to keep her company. The little girl who will be rooming with her is 8 years old. I'm sure they will grow to be great friends.
As I packed up the truck this afternoon full of clothes, stuffed animals and pictures I found myself with a heavy heart. I think I had realized at that moment that now that Courtney is getting older and her health is declining, we will be dealing with her being away from home more often. Once you have a disabled child and they reach that point of going from healthy to sick all the time it is very very difficult to face.
When Courtney was little we would have the occasional doctors appointment or minor set backs. But now as she has approached her teenage years things have changed. She has severe scoliosis and as her bones grow and become larger it is so hard on her little body to maintain. That along with hitting puberty and dealing with mood changes has been rough for her. I am sure that she is so confused with what is going on with her body but can't really express specific pains or heartaches.
Even though she has been in this facility once before it still feels like it's the first time my baby is leaving home. I know that it will never get easier to hand over the responsibility of care for my daughter. There is a big part of me that feels like I should be able to do it all. But I have to realize I am not a doctor and picking her up and carrying her is getting harder and harder to do for me as well. It is by far the hardest thing to do as a mother to have your baby go somewhere else long term. You can't help but feel failure to a certain degree. You start to struggle with what is actually best for HER. Yes I want her home and to be with us. But where she can't get what she needs around the clock at home, how happy does that make her? I just want her to have a great quality of life and I guess if this is something that can help us achieve that then I have to face it.
Courtney can still be checked out for a few hours at a time so she will still be attending family functions and we will be visiting her as much as we can. I hope every night when she closes those beautiful eyes she remembers how much we all love her and how blessed of a life we have had with her.
I have to return to packing her up and getting some things together but I will update you all as events come!
The only thing that will be different this time as far as her surroundings is that she will have a roommate! Last time she had the room all to herself. At first I was bummed that she had to share but then as I thought about it more this means she will have someone in there with her to keep her company. The little girl who will be rooming with her is 8 years old. I'm sure they will grow to be great friends.
As I packed up the truck this afternoon full of clothes, stuffed animals and pictures I found myself with a heavy heart. I think I had realized at that moment that now that Courtney is getting older and her health is declining, we will be dealing with her being away from home more often. Once you have a disabled child and they reach that point of going from healthy to sick all the time it is very very difficult to face.
When Courtney was little we would have the occasional doctors appointment or minor set backs. But now as she has approached her teenage years things have changed. She has severe scoliosis and as her bones grow and become larger it is so hard on her little body to maintain. That along with hitting puberty and dealing with mood changes has been rough for her. I am sure that she is so confused with what is going on with her body but can't really express specific pains or heartaches.
Even though she has been in this facility once before it still feels like it's the first time my baby is leaving home. I know that it will never get easier to hand over the responsibility of care for my daughter. There is a big part of me that feels like I should be able to do it all. But I have to realize I am not a doctor and picking her up and carrying her is getting harder and harder to do for me as well. It is by far the hardest thing to do as a mother to have your baby go somewhere else long term. You can't help but feel failure to a certain degree. You start to struggle with what is actually best for HER. Yes I want her home and to be with us. But where she can't get what she needs around the clock at home, how happy does that make her? I just want her to have a great quality of life and I guess if this is something that can help us achieve that then I have to face it.
Courtney can still be checked out for a few hours at a time so she will still be attending family functions and we will be visiting her as much as we can. I hope every night when she closes those beautiful eyes she remembers how much we all love her and how blessed of a life we have had with her.
I have to return to packing her up and getting some things together but I will update you all as events come!
Monday, March 16, 2015
Courtney's Journey Part 2
After Courtney's last surgery in May her health as you may know from reading has not been great. Just to give you a recap... the SDR (Selective Dorsal Rhizotomy) was supposed to help her with leg pain and muscle spasms. After her surgery she has been in even more pain and spasming like crazy. The surgery did not help her.
We have been monitoring her digression for a few months and we all have come to a conclusion that she needs a total health overhaul. We are admitting her into the hospital again for a long term stay in hopes that we can improve her quality of life. I want my happy little girl back so bad. Our intent in doing this is to put some weight on her bones with constant calorie intake and also do some botox injections where she is having the most pain with muscle tightness.
Having Courtney get worse has been awful to see. Your baby has a surgery that is supposed to do one thing and when she comes out of the hospital you all of the sudden have this fussy, uncomfortable and sad child. It has not been easy to see. I know the smiley angel is in there somewhere.
The doctors did say that since she is getting older and her scoliosis is getting worse that she over all will also just keep getting worse. It is so scary to come to terms with the fact that after almost 15 years of taking care of your little child they may have to go into a home or worse .... maybe not even have a ton of time left period. It is something that I constantly try to defy on a daily basis. But with every day of painful screaming it becomes more and more of a reality. I am a believer that when we pass we go to live with our Father in Heaven. I just would like quite a bit more time before he gets her back.
Everything else besides Courtney's health is good but very hectic. Anthony and I found out that we are expecting!! I am 6 weeks along and our due date is November 8th. The crappy thing is that Anthony will be deployed when the baby is born. With the girls not being his biological daughters he hasn't gotten to experience birth or anything like that. Unfortunately he will have to miss this one too. Our little family has progressed and became so close it's amazing. I feel so blessed to finally be having our family come full circle.
I have still been doing work for our business refinishing cabinets and furniture and it has been very busy!! Which of course is a good thing. I am just trying to find a good balance since every day at 3 o'clock I feel like I need a nap! But I guess that comes with the hormones and cravings ;).
I know this is a short message but I thought it would be nice for you all to have a little update.
Thanks for reading!
We have been monitoring her digression for a few months and we all have come to a conclusion that she needs a total health overhaul. We are admitting her into the hospital again for a long term stay in hopes that we can improve her quality of life. I want my happy little girl back so bad. Our intent in doing this is to put some weight on her bones with constant calorie intake and also do some botox injections where she is having the most pain with muscle tightness.
Having Courtney get worse has been awful to see. Your baby has a surgery that is supposed to do one thing and when she comes out of the hospital you all of the sudden have this fussy, uncomfortable and sad child. It has not been easy to see. I know the smiley angel is in there somewhere.
The doctors did say that since she is getting older and her scoliosis is getting worse that she over all will also just keep getting worse. It is so scary to come to terms with the fact that after almost 15 years of taking care of your little child they may have to go into a home or worse .... maybe not even have a ton of time left period. It is something that I constantly try to defy on a daily basis. But with every day of painful screaming it becomes more and more of a reality. I am a believer that when we pass we go to live with our Father in Heaven. I just would like quite a bit more time before he gets her back.
Everything else besides Courtney's health is good but very hectic. Anthony and I found out that we are expecting!! I am 6 weeks along and our due date is November 8th. The crappy thing is that Anthony will be deployed when the baby is born. With the girls not being his biological daughters he hasn't gotten to experience birth or anything like that. Unfortunately he will have to miss this one too. Our little family has progressed and became so close it's amazing. I feel so blessed to finally be having our family come full circle.
I have still been doing work for our business refinishing cabinets and furniture and it has been very busy!! Which of course is a good thing. I am just trying to find a good balance since every day at 3 o'clock I feel like I need a nap! But I guess that comes with the hormones and cravings ;).
I know this is a short message but I thought it would be nice for you all to have a little update.
Thanks for reading!
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Sorry About the Wait!
It has been so long since I have written on my blog. Usually all of things that you write about are happening during the quiet time. There have been so many things that have changed. But as we all know the one constant in life is change!
I have still been running my refinishing business and it that has been great and busy. Courtney hasn't been doing very well still. She has an appointment coming up next week to try to figure out what type of plan we are going to come up with to help her not be in so much constant pain.
Courtney had always been such a smiley and happy little girl, until the Selective Dorsal Rhizotomy (SDR). Now if you barely graze her feet she cries and it is rare that she isn't screaming and crying for hours at a time. At the beginning of her changes I was very positive and always trying to have faith that things would get better. But lately I am having more and more of those breakdown moments.. you mom's know what moments I'm talking about. They are the ones where you run upstairs into your bathroom, lock the door and just cry.. and cry... and cry.
I want so badly for her to not be in pain and have a great quality of life. And when you are a parent and can't do anything to help your child.. well that is the worst feeling in the world.
I haven't been active in church for a few months and I can always see a direct relation between my faith and my strength. When I know that Heavenly Father is in my life and I am actually inviting him in, I feel as though there is nothing that I can't overcome. Without Heavenly Father things feel so overwhelming and I start to feel helpless. Having him by my side is just..... better. That is the only way that I can explain it. I am still trying to find the balance which is not always easy.
Jordan is doing good but is in that pre-teen "you don't understand me" phase. The one where no matter what you do to build solid rules and values you are only doing it to ruin their lives kind of phase. I'm sure some of you can relate. You try to make sure you are not the overbearing, stern enemy but some days you are defeated. As history proves time and time again, one day she will understand. It may not be until she has kids of her own but she will understand. In the meantime I will be grinning and bearing it through each eye roll.
I will make sure to keep up on my posts. And as always, thank you for reading!
I have still been running my refinishing business and it that has been great and busy. Courtney hasn't been doing very well still. She has an appointment coming up next week to try to figure out what type of plan we are going to come up with to help her not be in so much constant pain.
Courtney had always been such a smiley and happy little girl, until the Selective Dorsal Rhizotomy (SDR). Now if you barely graze her feet she cries and it is rare that she isn't screaming and crying for hours at a time. At the beginning of her changes I was very positive and always trying to have faith that things would get better. But lately I am having more and more of those breakdown moments.. you mom's know what moments I'm talking about. They are the ones where you run upstairs into your bathroom, lock the door and just cry.. and cry... and cry.
I want so badly for her to not be in pain and have a great quality of life. And when you are a parent and can't do anything to help your child.. well that is the worst feeling in the world.
I haven't been active in church for a few months and I can always see a direct relation between my faith and my strength. When I know that Heavenly Father is in my life and I am actually inviting him in, I feel as though there is nothing that I can't overcome. Without Heavenly Father things feel so overwhelming and I start to feel helpless. Having him by my side is just..... better. That is the only way that I can explain it. I am still trying to find the balance which is not always easy.
Jordan is doing good but is in that pre-teen "you don't understand me" phase. The one where no matter what you do to build solid rules and values you are only doing it to ruin their lives kind of phase. I'm sure some of you can relate. You try to make sure you are not the overbearing, stern enemy but some days you are defeated. As history proves time and time again, one day she will understand. It may not be until she has kids of her own but she will understand. In the meantime I will be grinning and bearing it through each eye roll.
I will make sure to keep up on my posts. And as always, thank you for reading!
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