Courtney has been in the hospital now for 6 days and I can't tell if it's harder on her or me! I haven't been visiting every single day because I want her to get into a routine and schedule that is consistent. We are going to be visiting 3 times per week.... granted there are some days I want to be there all day every day. But I know if I do that then every time I come and then leave again it makes her sad. I call to check on her everyday and they say that she is happy and laughing. Then when we visit every time we go to leave she cries and it takes them a few minutes to calm her down. I think when we go to leave she doesn't quite understand why she isn't going with us. So I am struggling trying to find a happy medium.
She is getting therapy for 2 hours every single day which is awesome! I really love the center she is in because the staff are really on top of what she needs and always gives me a detailed report of concerns or updates. Most of the kids that are there were also there last year when Courtney was admitted before her surgery in May. Most of the the kids are like Courtney in a lot of ways so they are there long term. Seeing that the kids who are Courtney's age are there indefinitely has made me open my eyes to the fact that my baby may not be home often now that she is older and needs more medical care than she can get at home. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It is a daily struggle to remind myself that since she is there she will be healthier which in turn will make her happier. I fight myself every day to not think that I should just bring her home because in my heart no one can take care of my baby better than I can. But in my head I know that is no longer the case. It is to the point where no one person can do it anymore. And definitely not in the home setting.
So that is the update on Courtney and of course I will keep the updates coming!
Back at home we have a lot going on. I just met my 8 week mark with the pregnancy and am showing super quick! We are beyond excited. I am of course still nervous since we are not out of the first trimester yet. I miscarried before and have had a hard time in the past couple of years carrying. The doctors said that my hormone levels were too low the last 2 times. I am staying positive and hoping for the best. Anthony and I have agreed that if anything happens we will keep trying but I will definitely have to be on hormone meds this next time around. So cross your fingers for us!
Anthony just started a new shift rotation and is working graveyards! YUK! We both hate the new shift but are trying to make the best of it. It is very different to not sleep next to him every night. When he is coming home to go to bed I am waking up to start my day. I just realized that by the time the next shift rotation comes he will be deployed so the only times I will get to sleep next to him for the next year is on his nights off :( Hopefully within the next couple of weeks we will get used to it and it won't be so hard to sleep without him.
Jordan is seeming to do be doing ok through all of these changes. But she is the type of kid who won't express how she is feeling and then once it all piles up she has a major freak out. I just keep asking her how she feels and how she is doing to remind her that I am here to listen and regardless of everything changing in our home she is still a priority to us.
Thank you for reading. Until next time!
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