Just a little update on our journey! Courtney is being admitted to the hospital today at 5 o'clock. I sent her to school today so she will have a busy day going from school to the hospital and unpacking.
The only thing that will be different this time as far as her surroundings is that she will have a roommate! Last time she had the room all to herself. At first I was bummed that she had to share but then as I thought about it more this means she will have someone in there with her to keep her company. The little girl who will be rooming with her is 8 years old. I'm sure they will grow to be great friends.
As I packed up the truck this afternoon full of clothes, stuffed animals and pictures I found myself with a heavy heart. I think I had realized at that moment that now that Courtney is getting older and her health is declining, we will be dealing with her being away from home more often. Once you have a disabled child and they reach that point of going from healthy to sick all the time it is very very difficult to face.
When Courtney was little we would have the occasional doctors appointment or minor set backs. But now as she has approached her teenage years things have changed. She has severe scoliosis and as her bones grow and become larger it is so hard on her little body to maintain. That along with hitting puberty and dealing with mood changes has been rough for her. I am sure that she is so confused with what is going on with her body but can't really express specific pains or heartaches.
Even though she has been in this facility once before it still feels like it's the first time my baby is leaving home. I know that it will never get easier to hand over the responsibility of care for my daughter. There is a big part of me that feels like I should be able to do it all. But I have to realize I am not a doctor and picking her up and carrying her is getting harder and harder to do for me as well. It is by far the hardest thing to do as a mother to have your baby go somewhere else long term. You can't help but feel failure to a certain degree. You start to struggle with what is actually best for HER. Yes I want her home and to be with us. But where she can't get what she needs around the clock at home, how happy does that make her? I just want her to have a great quality of life and I guess if this is something that can help us achieve that then I have to face it.
Courtney can still be checked out for a few hours at a time so she will still be attending family functions and we will be visiting her as much as we can. I hope every night when she closes those beautiful eyes she remembers how much we all love her and how blessed of a life we have had with her.
I have to return to packing her up and getting some things together but I will update you all as events come!
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